I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
