I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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