She is in my trunk
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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