So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
