I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
