I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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