five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
