My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
