Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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