I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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