It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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