the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
