fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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