We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
