What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
