there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
