We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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