Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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