Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
