I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
