i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
