I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
