you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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