She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
