things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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