She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
