when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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