I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
