She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
