Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
