in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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