Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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