i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
