A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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