I bet he comes in French.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
