I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
