If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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