I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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