ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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