im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
