I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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