I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
