I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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