I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
