My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
