it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
