Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
