I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
