All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
