I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
