At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
