i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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