I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
