i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
