There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
